Thursday, January 29, 2004
The one where I fiddled about with my blog
Yup, I sure did.. Hari tu dah start buat my own template lepas tu half way thru I decided to just use the old one and adjust2 sikit. so, bear with me la...
as u can tell from my color selection, I ni dont have an eye for colours. tak tau what goes with what. so tu yg my blog pun color merapu. tapi takpe, in due time i'll create my own blog skin. kena mintak advise from the ole great and wise asmadi. almaklum, dia ni kan ke web designer. i ni, web page sendiri pun takde lagi
i wanted to include a tagboard tp disebabkan a bad experience with nedtracker yg menyebarkan virus from my site, i terus takut nak include scripts from elsewhere. nanti marah pulak my loyal readers kalau i asyik jadi pengedar virus.
today no mood to do anything. went to gym semlm with ina. lps gym we all bought kuey teow goreng and ate in my car at vista. itu lah routine we all. heheheh... i know..i know... it defeats the purpose of pushing myself on the treadmill but hey, a girl hasta eat.. *wink*
here are things i tell myself to make me feel better:-
1. semua guys kat gym are gays so they wont care if my top happens to be a tad too tight.
2. kuey toew after gym is fine sbb atleast i dah burnt the calories even before i eat it (yeah right)
3. the guy next to me on the treadmill is not looking at me making a fool of myself (minimum speed, minimum gradient, ala joy walking). he's actually trying to flirt with the other guy next to me..
and after 2 weeks of huffing and puffing, wahey... i had to alter my skirt (bring it in 2 inches at the waist). am feeling on top of the world. :D.
as u can tell from my color selection, I ni dont have an eye for colours. tak tau what goes with what. so tu yg my blog pun color merapu. tapi takpe, in due time i'll create my own blog skin. kena mintak advise from the ole great and wise asmadi. almaklum, dia ni kan ke web designer. i ni, web page sendiri pun takde lagi
i wanted to include a tagboard tp disebabkan a bad experience with nedtracker yg menyebarkan virus from my site, i terus takut nak include scripts from elsewhere. nanti marah pulak my loyal readers kalau i asyik jadi pengedar virus.
today no mood to do anything. went to gym semlm with ina. lps gym we all bought kuey teow goreng and ate in my car at vista. itu lah routine we all. heheheh... i know..i know... it defeats the purpose of pushing myself on the treadmill but hey, a girl hasta eat.. *wink*
here are things i tell myself to make me feel better:-
1. semua guys kat gym are gays so they wont care if my top happens to be a tad too tight.
2. kuey toew after gym is fine sbb atleast i dah burnt the calories even before i eat it (yeah right)
3. the guy next to me on the treadmill is not looking at me making a fool of myself (minimum speed, minimum gradient, ala joy walking). he's actually trying to flirt with the other guy next to me..
and after 2 weeks of huffing and puffing, wahey... i had to alter my skirt (bring it in 2 inches at the waist). am feeling on top of the world. :D.
Monday, January 19, 2004
The one where I didnt answer the door.
I read Idlan's blog and I know how terrifying it is to get a phone call late at night. It has become my worst phobia... getting a phone call, a knock on the door...late at night. Because usually it means bad news (or annoying sibblings in Idlan's case :P).
I'm a light sleeper. The slightest sound would wake me up. That night on January 10th 1996 I heard a frantic knock on the door of my apartment. It was 2 am in the morning and I knew it was something important. There were 5 others living in the same apartment as me yet I could sense that the person on the other side of the door was looking for me. I had this gut wrenching feeling at the pit of my stomach. I dunno why but I knew that it was bad news and I could feel that it was for me.
I crept out of bed quietly and stood in front of the door. I could see the door shaking as the guy behind it banged as loud as possible to wake the occupants. I was dumbfounded. Not of terror but of what to expect and how to react. Suddenly I was very aware of every beat my heart was making and every breath that I was taking. I must have fazed out for 5 minutes before I decided to wake my friends up.
I woke up Aje and Warid and told them someone was at the door. I could have gone to the door with them but I gave them excuses so I'd stay in the room when they answered the door. I knew it was for me (i dont know how) but i just knew it and i was in my room praying that it wasnt. Then Aje came and told me it was for me. At that time I felt my head spinning and I just peered out of the bedroom door and saw my Aunt with the security officer. She didnt utter a word but at that moment, as my eyes met hers I knew that my brother was no longer with us. It's difficult to explain how I knew... Then a single name uttered by my auntie confirmed my worst nightmare..she just said "Boy...".
And I said coldly "Kejap, Ayu ambik barang." I was walking a zombie. I gathered my stuffs and changed my clothes. My friends were consoling me, telling me to be brave. I didnt say a word. I followed my Aunt to her car. She broke down and cried at the pavement while repeating “Kenapa mama kasi boy keluar malam?” (Why did my mom allow my brother to go out at night). I found it to be a very inappropriate thing to ask at time like that. I just kept on my stone cold expression and said nothing. She drove me to Taiping and we arrived around dawn.
That event in my life was surreal. I prayed and prayed during the entire 4 hour journey. I prayed that it was a dream. Then I prayed that it was a mistake or miscommunication. Next I prayed that a miracle would happen. I just prayed of every possibility that could be instead of that one thing I know I could not face. But as we drove towards my house in Taiping, I could see cars parked haphazardly along the way and that was when reality started to sink in… I no longer had a brother. I have never felt that way before in my entire life and I pray to God that I would never have to go through it again. My heart was leaden and screaming and numb all at once. As I made my way to the door, I saw my dad and he saw me and I could have cried there and then just from the look on his face. He cried on my shoulders and that was the first time I saw my dad cry. And that was when I promised myself I’d have to be brave for my family’s sake. I comforted my dad calmly and said "Tak ape pa. Papa kena redhakan boy pergi. We must be strong. He'd want us to be strong." But I know that I’d have to be the strong one now that my brother is gone. And I went through the funeral without shedding a tear but only God knows how I felt that day… And only God knows that from that day I have been crying inside every since.
I'm a light sleeper. The slightest sound would wake me up. That night on January 10th 1996 I heard a frantic knock on the door of my apartment. It was 2 am in the morning and I knew it was something important. There were 5 others living in the same apartment as me yet I could sense that the person on the other side of the door was looking for me. I had this gut wrenching feeling at the pit of my stomach. I dunno why but I knew that it was bad news and I could feel that it was for me.
I crept out of bed quietly and stood in front of the door. I could see the door shaking as the guy behind it banged as loud as possible to wake the occupants. I was dumbfounded. Not of terror but of what to expect and how to react. Suddenly I was very aware of every beat my heart was making and every breath that I was taking. I must have fazed out for 5 minutes before I decided to wake my friends up.
I woke up Aje and Warid and told them someone was at the door. I could have gone to the door with them but I gave them excuses so I'd stay in the room when they answered the door. I knew it was for me (i dont know how) but i just knew it and i was in my room praying that it wasnt. Then Aje came and told me it was for me. At that time I felt my head spinning and I just peered out of the bedroom door and saw my Aunt with the security officer. She didnt utter a word but at that moment, as my eyes met hers I knew that my brother was no longer with us. It's difficult to explain how I knew... Then a single name uttered by my auntie confirmed my worst nightmare..she just said "Boy...".
And I said coldly "Kejap, Ayu ambik barang." I was walking a zombie. I gathered my stuffs and changed my clothes. My friends were consoling me, telling me to be brave. I didnt say a word. I followed my Aunt to her car. She broke down and cried at the pavement while repeating “Kenapa mama kasi boy keluar malam?” (Why did my mom allow my brother to go out at night). I found it to be a very inappropriate thing to ask at time like that. I just kept on my stone cold expression and said nothing. She drove me to Taiping and we arrived around dawn.
That event in my life was surreal. I prayed and prayed during the entire 4 hour journey. I prayed that it was a dream. Then I prayed that it was a mistake or miscommunication. Next I prayed that a miracle would happen. I just prayed of every possibility that could be instead of that one thing I know I could not face. But as we drove towards my house in Taiping, I could see cars parked haphazardly along the way and that was when reality started to sink in… I no longer had a brother. I have never felt that way before in my entire life and I pray to God that I would never have to go through it again. My heart was leaden and screaming and numb all at once. As I made my way to the door, I saw my dad and he saw me and I could have cried there and then just from the look on his face. He cried on my shoulders and that was the first time I saw my dad cry. And that was when I promised myself I’d have to be brave for my family’s sake. I comforted my dad calmly and said "Tak ape pa. Papa kena redhakan boy pergi. We must be strong. He'd want us to be strong." But I know that I’d have to be the strong one now that my brother is gone. And I went through the funeral without shedding a tear but only God knows how I felt that day… And only God knows that from that day I have been crying inside every since.
Thursday, January 15, 2004
The one with the virus from hell!!
Hehehhe, so cerita pasal virus di blog Masi dah spread around town. :P buat malu je la... but what to do? because i tak pakai IE browser so i selamat (and quite oblivious yg my site dah kena infected). So to those yg terjangkit tu i'm really sorry. didnt mean for this to happen. thanks to asmadi and dotsha for locating the punca masalah. and also to the others yg alerted me about it. hope the virus didnt do too much damage on your machine...
Speaking of viruses, i think one has gotten to me. am down with a cold and cant stop sniffling.
well, back to work!!
Speaking of viruses, i think one has gotten to me. am down with a cold and cant stop sniffling.
well, back to work!!
Monday, January 12, 2004
The one with the mixed emotions (part1)
Freedom is the feeling I get when I drive down Federal Highway at night, with my screen down and my favourite CD playing.
Love is when I have to remember to breathe when I look at the person.
I sometimes get lonely even when I am surrounded by friends but in actual fact my heart is elsewhere.
When I am mad I'd either walk away or just keep quite. It gives me time to control myself from doing/saying anything I'd regret later.
Disappointed is how I feel when my students hand in their exam paper without even attempting to answer the question.
I feel annoyed when I say "nothing is wrong" but people kept pushing me to give a different answer. Nothing IS wrong!! Even if something is, I dont wanna tell you. So accept that!!
Worn-out is when I sleep at night and wake up in that same position, not budging a muscle...
I know that I am reaaallly sick when I resort to actually taking medicine and even worse when I see a doctor. If it's just minor, I just see sickness as a challenge for my body.
Love is when I have to remember to breathe when I look at the person.
I sometimes get lonely even when I am surrounded by friends but in actual fact my heart is elsewhere.
When I am mad I'd either walk away or just keep quite. It gives me time to control myself from doing/saying anything I'd regret later.
Disappointed is how I feel when my students hand in their exam paper without even attempting to answer the question.
I feel annoyed when I say "nothing is wrong" but people kept pushing me to give a different answer. Nothing IS wrong!! Even if something is, I dont wanna tell you. So accept that!!
Worn-out is when I sleep at night and wake up in that same position, not budging a muscle...
I know that I am reaaallly sick when I resort to actually taking medicine and even worse when I see a doctor. If it's just minor, I just see sickness as a challenge for my body.
Friday, January 09, 2004
The one with the Tarot card
Got this from Madi's blog. Wahey...look what I am..:D. Didnt see this coming.
The Lovers often refers to a relationship that is based on deep love - the strongest force of all. The relationship may not be sexual, although it often is or could be. More generally, the Lovers can represent the attractive force that draws any two entities together in a relationship - whether people, ideas, events, movements or groups. |
What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate. |
I am The LoversMonday, January 05, 2004
The one where the wall crumbles
I'm always one who likes to not think about matters of the heart.
I stay away from things that I know will potentially hurt me.
I hide behind my smile and my laughter so that people wont know that I hurt like everyone else.
I guard my heart with all the logic and reason that I can throw at myself, I seldom let my heart take over.
People scare me. Friends scare me. Life scares me. So I run away. Why let myself be a victim when I can avoid it?
(Depressed on Monday morning... had time to reflect on life. Ni la akibatnya..:P)
I stay away from things that I know will potentially hurt me.
I hide behind my smile and my laughter so that people wont know that I hurt like everyone else.
I guard my heart with all the logic and reason that I can throw at myself, I seldom let my heart take over.
People scare me. Friends scare me. Life scares me. So I run away. Why let myself be a victim when I can avoid it?
(Depressed on Monday morning... had time to reflect on life. Ni la akibatnya..:P)
Friday, January 02, 2004
The one where it's time to change
Alamak...two post in a day. That is very rare for me nowadays. :P
Terlupa yang dah new year so a post regarding resolutions is called for. Bear with me now people...*wink*
1. Will better myself spiritually, mentally and emotionally (need not elaborate on this one).
2. Will not let people get to me. Am gonna chant 'whooosssaahhhh' everytime I feel ticked off.
3. Gonna be a bit lenient on my sister. She IS the youngest but I hafta cut her some slack. Let her make her own mistakes to learn by.
4. Will be more organized. Will not play games at the office. Will not watch movies at the office. (hang on... gotta save my 'theme hospital' .. people are getting plagued by diseases if I let it run unattended too long).
5. Have to start living a healthy life. No more late night mamak or those rich Secret Recipe cakes (no secret to the recipe of getting fat..:P). Gonna enroll in gym. Gonna start eating healthy. (yeah right! who am I kidding??)
6. Will open my mouth more. Will always attempt to start a conversation with people instead of just smiling at everyone like an idiot and not saying a word (in people I mean colleagues or acquaintances, not general public..aint ready for that).
7. Will not let my ego get the better of me. If I want something then I'll try everything within my means to get it. You only live once and I cannot let anymore chances pass me by. No more 'if onlys' for me. What have I got to lose? (tak faham what I'm saying? hehehe...takpe.. mmg this is not for ppl to understand. this is konflik diri ni).
Lots more I need to change in myself but it can't be put into words nor can it be shared with the public. Biase lah... we always strive to change for the better... the same goes for me. Since I came back from UK, I find myself turning into a person that I dont like. It's hard to explain. I'm less tolerant and I tend to speak my mind. Speaking one's mind is not usually a good thing. Dulu, I just go with the flow. Now I dont. It's not that UK that has done this to me... I guess it is just me. Entahlah...
Just wanna make 2004 a better year than 2003. Wanna make life altering changes (good ones la). Need a change... Who doesnt?
Terlupa yang dah new year so a post regarding resolutions is called for. Bear with me now people...*wink*
1. Will better myself spiritually, mentally and emotionally (need not elaborate on this one).
2. Will not let people get to me. Am gonna chant 'whooosssaahhhh' everytime I feel ticked off.
3. Gonna be a bit lenient on my sister. She IS the youngest but I hafta cut her some slack. Let her make her own mistakes to learn by.
4. Will be more organized. Will not play games at the office. Will not watch movies at the office. (hang on... gotta save my 'theme hospital' .. people are getting plagued by diseases if I let it run unattended too long).
5. Have to start living a healthy life. No more late night mamak or those rich Secret Recipe cakes (no secret to the recipe of getting fat..:P). Gonna enroll in gym. Gonna start eating healthy. (yeah right! who am I kidding??)
6. Will open my mouth more. Will always attempt to start a conversation with people instead of just smiling at everyone like an idiot and not saying a word (in people I mean colleagues or acquaintances, not general public..aint ready for that).
7. Will not let my ego get the better of me. If I want something then I'll try everything within my means to get it. You only live once and I cannot let anymore chances pass me by. No more 'if onlys' for me. What have I got to lose? (tak faham what I'm saying? hehehe...takpe.. mmg this is not for ppl to understand. this is konflik diri ni).
Lots more I need to change in myself but it can't be put into words nor can it be shared with the public. Biase lah... we always strive to change for the better... the same goes for me. Since I came back from UK, I find myself turning into a person that I dont like. It's hard to explain. I'm less tolerant and I tend to speak my mind. Speaking one's mind is not usually a good thing. Dulu, I just go with the flow. Now I dont. It's not that UK that has done this to me... I guess it is just me. Entahlah...
Just wanna make 2004 a better year than 2003. Wanna make life altering changes (good ones la). Need a change... Who doesnt?
The one where I stay the same
No classes for a week....! hurray!!! But today is already Friday and so far still havent gotten around to finishing all my lecture notes/slides. Parents came on the 25th December and stayed till the 29th. On the 29th I went to Malacca (work related) and came back on the 31st. Today came in for work and will stay till 9pm (as always). I dunno why I cant keep to the normal working hours like normal human beings. It doesnt matter what time I come in, I'd still leave late. Better now then after I get married, right? As yet, my career is all that I have. My friends pun semua caught up with their work. Can you believe it?? I still havent watched the latest LOTR!!! That is sooooo not me!!!
Well, I called Asmadi last night and asked him to let me adopt one of his kittens. Teringin nak cuddle up to a warm, fuzzy furball at night. Ye la...ye la.. I know la it's not healthy to sleep with a cat. But you guys out there have someone to cuddle up against at night. Me, peluk tubuh malam2. heheheh. so having a cat would be a nice change. my sister is against the idea because the house would reek of cat but since i'm paying for all the bills, that gives me more say in the matter... HAHAHAHAHAH (VERY evil laugh!!).
Alia (my niece) went for her standard one orientation today. It was sucha big deal. My mom came down from Penang just for that. My dad, as always, cant get away from work. Tp he just came back from bercuti pun. I bought Alia a set of uniform with school shoes. Budi bought her art stuffs. Sekolah nowadays, they really specify exactly what the kids have to buy. I mean, even the art paper/block pun they specify kena berapa gram. Tak boleh yg nipis2 punya, nak yg mahal and tebal. Poster colour pun mesti yg brand panda 12 colours. When I was in school, i used jenis 'guitar' 6 colours until i was in standard 3. No hal pun. Schools nowadays really mencekik the parents.
Went out with Fariska and Suraya just now. My two good friends from primary school. They havent changed, still their cheerful selfs. It's good to hook up with old friends. And it's great to make new friends. I dont think I have changed that much (except size-wise la...:P). They were a bit shocked that I dah pakai tudung. Even my high school friends pun mcm tak percaya I'm wearing tudung. Apsal ah? Does that make me any different? Tp before we said our goodbyes they claimed that I havent changed. Duhh!!!?? heheheh... am still the same old me. No time nor space nor tudung will make me different. kalau different pun only for the better (Insyaallah).
Oklah. Need to go call up tonnes of gyms. Me and my friend (Ina) nak join a fitness club. So lil old me kena do some scouting around. Anyone with good suggestions, feel free to leave a tip or two. Later!
Well, I called Asmadi last night and asked him to let me adopt one of his kittens. Teringin nak cuddle up to a warm, fuzzy furball at night. Ye la...ye la.. I know la it's not healthy to sleep with a cat. But you guys out there have someone to cuddle up against at night. Me, peluk tubuh malam2. heheheh. so having a cat would be a nice change. my sister is against the idea because the house would reek of cat but since i'm paying for all the bills, that gives me more say in the matter... HAHAHAHAHAH (VERY evil laugh!!).
Alia (my niece) went for her standard one orientation today. It was sucha big deal. My mom came down from Penang just for that. My dad, as always, cant get away from work. Tp he just came back from bercuti pun. I bought Alia a set of uniform with school shoes. Budi bought her art stuffs. Sekolah nowadays, they really specify exactly what the kids have to buy. I mean, even the art paper/block pun they specify kena berapa gram. Tak boleh yg nipis2 punya, nak yg mahal and tebal. Poster colour pun mesti yg brand panda 12 colours. When I was in school, i used jenis 'guitar' 6 colours until i was in standard 3. No hal pun. Schools nowadays really mencekik the parents.
Went out with Fariska and Suraya just now. My two good friends from primary school. They havent changed, still their cheerful selfs. It's good to hook up with old friends. And it's great to make new friends. I dont think I have changed that much (except size-wise la...:P). They were a bit shocked that I dah pakai tudung. Even my high school friends pun mcm tak percaya I'm wearing tudung. Apsal ah? Does that make me any different? Tp before we said our goodbyes they claimed that I havent changed. Duhh!!!?? heheheh... am still the same old me. No time nor space nor tudung will make me different. kalau different pun only for the better (Insyaallah).
Oklah. Need to go call up tonnes of gyms. Me and my friend (Ina) nak join a fitness club. So lil old me kena do some scouting around. Anyone with good suggestions, feel free to leave a tip or two. Later!
